TVB Reflections

Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship HKS Enterprise. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new themes, to seek out new audiences and assimilate all life, to boldly go where no producer has gone before.

Activate Star Trek opening theme! [Da... da-da-da... da-da-da...!]

Producer’s log, stardate 18001.0. Correction: 48001.1. Or is it 48100.0? Computer, restart entry log. Stardate: today.

In our never-ending quest to dominate Asian television, and eventually all Humanoid entertainment, a course was charted to the sparingly explored Controversy sector; two inhabited M-class planets were located. An away team beamed down to the surface of each and made several startling discoveries.

On our arrival to the planet Homolus, we noticed the peculiar behavioral patterns exhibited by the inhabitants. Most members of the population are attracted to the same sex, but they behave no differently from their heterosexual comrades. As my first assistant director noted, they were “normal”… Very few males were overly effeminate, flamboyant or displayed an interest in fashion. In fact, some even resented the idea of organizing their own wardrobe. Even the females were not necessarily tomboys or athletic. Simply astonishing!

Next on our stop was the planet Retrovirulus, where the inhabitants remain infected with a variety of retroviruses, most notably the well-documented human immunodeficieny virus. While all precautions were taken to prevent exposure to this deadly agent, some members of the away team questioned the effectiveness of their gloves and filter masks, and requested the use of space suits instead. I assured them that transmission was only possible through touch and air, and only then did they calm down. As was the case on Homolus, we were stunned by the acts of the inhabitants. Sexual education is regularly preached and words like “condoms” and “protection” are thrown around as easily as mediocre scripts. Worse, they bore no stigma of shame. What happened to 100% abstinence that is as effective as casting pageant winners in leading roles?

As we travel back to the Hong Kong base of the United Federation of Producers, thoughts grow heavy on my mind. How would we integrate such unique personalities into our productions without the risk of overwhelming our viewers? While I may not know the answer now, reality shows are always reliable outlets we can turn to first…

End log. That’s a wrap!

Explanation
This satire pokes fun at the stereotypical roles in TVB series, particularly flamboyant gays and promiscuous HIV-positive characters. It is based on the ever-popular sci-fi television series Star Trek: The Next Generation, which is one of my favorite shows of all time. In the beginning of each episode, Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the United States Ship (USS) Enterprise opens with the following voiceover:

“Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before.”

Picard and his vessel have been replaced by a TVB producer and the Hong Kong Ship (HKS) Enterprise, respectively. Commander William T. Riker has been replaced by an assistant director and disposable ensons are now TV or movie “extras” of the away teams. Sadly, the United Federation of Planets has been overrun by producers who do not know the difference between photon torpedoes and the turbolift.

Warning: This is a satirical post that pokes fun at the alternative ending of D.I.E. and suggests an ulterior motive for its production. Spoilers regarding the fate of Roger Kwok’s character in both the original and alternative endings are revealed.

In the official ending of the highly-rated series D.I.E., Yue Sir (Roger Kwok) sacrificed his own life to save Ching Ching (Sonija Kwok), leaving her to care for their daughter. Due to the pensive nature of this closure, Hong Kong viewers were outraged and demanded that TVB produce an alternative ending, particularly one in which Yue Sir survives the car crash. They argued that since TVB series have always ended on some kind of a happy note – lost lovers reunite, villains are cleansed by the power of an imaginary force, infertile women are suddenly blessed with the ability to bear children, and fathers and sons reconcile – this one should have followed the trend. Obligingly, TVB released a special 30-minute gag ending that revealed Bobby Auyeung‘s character from Dicey Business to be the driver who hit Yue Sir on his way to making bootleg copies. Various D.I.E. characters traveled back in time to prevent the accident.

However, this alternative ending was actually a derivative of the one TVB had intended to air as the original. The purpose was to take advantage of a high-profile finale in order to promote the company’s anti-piracy agenda. In the original version, Bobby’s character was made an example of the uploaders/downloaders who continue to participate in illegal activities.

Warning: this post is meant to be read as a satire and may be dreadfully boring to some. Let not your eyes wander down if you do not share a wacky sense of humor or like reading posts containing too many paragraphs and few pictures. All you Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland fans have been warned…

While the stir of the recent sex scandal in the Hong Kong entertainment industry involving Edison Chen and his string of ex-girlfriends has begun to die down (fortunately for our eyes and ears), the associated issue of celebrity privacy has not been put to rest. Niki Chow‘s unfortunate connection with the case due to past rumors with Chen has prompted TVB to distribute a new communications manual to each of its contracted artists. This thin yet helpful book explains the applications of the doublespeak language in distorting the truth when facing reporters and the general public. Let us read through some of the pages, shall we?

Handling the Faithful Hounds
As much as you may want to spray each and every reporter on the planet with a non-EPA approved pesticide, resist the urge to do so. A more effective method to terminate these pesky followers is to overwhelm them with an enormous amount of information; throw in as many unfamiliar and technical terms/phrases that you know. What you say does not need to make any sense, nor should it. Remember: gobbledygook is your most reliable tool to escape tight situations in this competitive industry, and may you gobble it well.

To get you started, here is an example of what to say when asked about your performance in a series:

I think my performance in terms of the off-screen memorization of lines and in terms of the on-screen acting performance was operated under my accepted limit, and I have been fairly error-free in keeping with that. Thus, I will tell you that my overall performance has not immensely accelerated to a desired magnitude. On the other hand, the performance should be categorized more as a function of my past experience in the training academy as opposed to it improving as a function of the non-spatial continuum.

When further questions are asked, simply remember these steps: lather, rinse, and repeat. Lather, rinse, and repeat. That is right, no common sense needed here.

Suspicions
Undoubtedly, the love life of an artist is the favorite topic of any proper reporters; they attempt to pry the truth out of tight-sealed lips with the display of pretentious smiles and playful teasing. Running and hiding do not help in avoiding this kind of questioning. As an alternative, show your “cooperation” by giving a meticulously calculated answer using inflated language:

I was erroneously identified inside ______________’s apartment during the time frame in question. The level of the hydrocarbon mixture in the storage tank of my horizontal transportation unit had depleted. I could not find any automotive internists in the vicinity of the scene. Naturally, I relocated to ______________’s place to ask for assistance.

Luckily, the relationships of the following artists are of no interest to reporters:
Tavia Yeung
Bobby Auyeung
Steven Ma
Frankie Lam
Selena Li
Raymond Cho
Sammul Chan (not under TVB management, but is a well-known example)

That is all.

The End of the Road
When all else fails in your attempts to manipulate, confuse, and mislead the audience, prayer is not your answer. Two choices are available: shed blame on your manager/agent or transfer responsibility to your superiors (TVB executives) who will deal with the matter later. We strongly advise you to try the first strategy, but if you choose to risk termination of your contract by applying the latter method, then regurgitate the following paragraph:

I did not lie. I merely withheld information. When I previously stated that I _____________________, I was trying to be evasive. I was authorized to say everything that I said by my superiors – yes, the same people who signed my contract. However, I now realize that I was naive and foolish.

Of course, whether or not this short speech will actually save your career is unknown. In the unfortunate event that it does not, we then give you permission to pray – with this book. (A small packet of delicate tissue is attached to the back flap. )

Lastly, remember to keep safe this communications manual as it holds vital information for mastering the various forms of doublespeak. Never lend it to non-contracted TVB artists or those not part of the entertainment industry. Tuck it under your pillow or lock it up in a vault if you must.

Deception, concealment, and calculation: learn to play the game properly.