No feelings were hurt during the making of this comic.

01. The Walking Encyclopedia
Often seen buried under piles of weekly entertainment magazines and newspapers or falling asleep in front of the computer, the Walking Encyclopedia is an intelligent being with the capacity to memorize all past and current events. Finally recognized for their unique abilities, the Encyclopedias have now been recruited by the dominant television company. In fact, each producer is now assigned his/her very own human compendium.

02. The Questionable Supporter
Members of this category only watch TVB productions to learn how to read, write, and listen to Chinese, and for delicious eye candy; script and characterizations are insignificant considerations. They are vulnerable to exposure when asked to name the actors/actresses of the royal TVB family or to write the traditional Chinese titles of series. Lather, rinse, and repeat.

03. The Sensitive Soul
With boxes of extra-soft tissues resting safely on an end table, the Sensitive Soul is ready to conquer the woeful world of TVB dramas. Blessed with superior empathic powers, the Soul vicariously experiences a myriad of emotions. Tragic characters such as Yun Fok from Where the Legend of Begins and Xiao Feng from Demi-Gods and Semi-Devils are returning clients.

04. The Bum
The Bum is an extremely seclusive creature residing in the basement of its abode, and only crawls out every six hours to excrete wastes and replenish nourishment. Its primary weapon is the infrared remote control which it handles with supreme button-pressing skills.

Due to the anti-social nature of the Bums, membership numbers remain at dangerous levels. Unfortunately, efforts to accelerate mating have failed. Some researchers urge luring them out by waving genuine DVD copies of classic TVB series. Preliminary trials with The Return of the Condor Heroes (1983) and The New Heavenly Sword & Dragon Sabre (1986) have yielded a success rate of 92%.

05. The Overly Protective
These fans do not accept any form of criticism directed at their favorite artist without a fight to the death. Attempt to defend yourself and prepare for a malicious cycle of demands of justification/references, name-calling, and questions. If you can not beat them, simply let them walk all over you – if performed quickly and correctly this move may allow you to escape alive but scarred for life.

06. The Super Fan
Super Fans are a populous breed of fans known to be exceptionally obedient, loyal, and dependable. They display unconditional support to their masters in all endeavors pursued. It matters not if the talents required to do so are lacking, as blind devotion is exactly what it takes to be “real” fans. Naturally, Super Fans are prone to cooperate with the Overly Protective in condemning and chastising those deemed unworthy of service.

07. The Missing Blogger
Whether due to plain laziness or obligations in his/her personal, school or work life, the Missing Blogger is unable to make frequent updates. If the Blogger is ever observed writing two successive posts, lift your head high to see one-winged pigs soaring across the green skies. Interestingly, the rate at which the Blogger continues to place his/her site on hiatus is inversely proportional to the rate at which the popularity of said site declines. Classic example: Yours Truly.

Which type of TVB fan do you identify with? Have any friends as described above? Discover any new categories? Post a reply sharing your findings!

Oh, c’mon. It’s like they never rescued Tim Sir out of that truck in Forensic Heroes at all…

Note: Where’s Waldo? was a series of popular children’s books in the 80′s and 90′s. The goal of the reader was to spot a poorly hidden Waldo in crowded scenes.

Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship HKS Enterprise. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new themes, to seek out new audiences and assimilate all life, to boldly go where no producer has gone before.

Activate Star Trek opening theme! [Da... da-da-da... da-da-da...!]

Producer’s log, stardate 18001.0. Correction: 48001.1. Or is it 48100.0? Computer, restart entry log. Stardate: today.

In our never-ending quest to dominate Asian television, and eventually all Humanoid entertainment, a course was charted to the sparingly explored Controversy sector; two inhabited M-class planets were located. An away team beamed down to the surface of each and made several startling discoveries.

On our arrival to the planet Homolus, we noticed the peculiar behavioral patterns exhibited by the inhabitants. Most members of the population are attracted to the same sex, but they behave no differently from their heterosexual comrades. As my first assistant director noted, they were “normal”… Very few males were overly effeminate, flamboyant or displayed an interest in fashion. In fact, some even resented the idea of organizing their own wardrobe. Even the females were not necessarily tomboys or athletic. Simply astonishing!

Next on our stop was the planet Retrovirulus, where the inhabitants remain infected with a variety of retroviruses, most notably the well-documented human immunodeficieny virus. While all precautions were taken to prevent exposure to this deadly agent, some members of the away team questioned the effectiveness of their gloves and filter masks, and requested the use of space suits instead. I assured them that transmission was only possible through touch and air, and only then did they calm down. As was the case on Homolus, we were stunned by the acts of the inhabitants. Sexual education is regularly preached and words like “condoms” and “protection” are thrown around as easily as mediocre scripts. Worse, they bore no stigma of shame. What happened to 100% abstinence that is as effective as casting pageant winners in leading roles?

As we travel back to the Hong Kong base of the United Federation of Producers, thoughts grow heavy on my mind. How would we integrate such unique personalities into our productions without the risk of overwhelming our viewers? While I may not know the answer now, reality shows are always reliable outlets we can turn to first…

End log. That’s a wrap!

Explanation
This satire pokes fun at the stereotypical roles in TVB series, particularly flamboyant gays and promiscuous HIV-positive characters. It is based on the ever-popular sci-fi television series Star Trek: The Next Generation, which is one of my favorite shows of all time. In the beginning of each episode, Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the United States Ship (USS) Enterprise opens with the following voiceover:

“Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before.”

Picard and his vessel have been replaced by a TVB producer and the Hong Kong Ship (HKS) Enterprise, respectively. Commander William T. Riker has been replaced by an assistant director and disposable ensons are now TV or movie “extras” of the away teams. Sadly, the United Federation of Planets has been overrun by producers who do not know the difference between photon torpedoes and the turbolift.

Warning: This is a satirical post that pokes fun at the alternative ending of D.I.E. and suggests an ulterior motive for its production. Spoilers regarding the fate of Roger Kwok’s character in both the original and alternative endings are revealed.

In the official ending of the highly-rated series D.I.E., Yue Sir (Roger Kwok) sacrificed his own life to save Ching Ching (Sonija Kwok), leaving her to care for their daughter. Due to the pensive nature of this closure, Hong Kong viewers were outraged and demanded that TVB produce an alternative ending, particularly one in which Yue Sir survives the car crash. They argued that since TVB series have always ended on some kind of a happy note – lost lovers reunite, villains are cleansed by the power of an imaginary force, infertile women are suddenly blessed with the ability to bear children, and fathers and sons reconcile – this one should have followed the trend. Obligingly, TVB released a special 30-minute gag ending that revealed Bobby Auyeung‘s character from Dicey Business to be the driver who hit Yue Sir on his way to making bootleg copies. Various D.I.E. characters traveled back in time to prevent the accident.

However, this alternative ending was actually a derivative of the one TVB had intended to air as the original. The purpose was to take advantage of a high-profile finale in order to promote the company’s anti-piracy agenda. In the original version, Bobby’s character was made an example of the uploaders/downloaders who continue to participate in illegal activities.

While the stir of the recent sex scandal in the Hong Kong entertainment industry involving Edison Chen and his string of ex-girlfriends has begun to die down (fortunately for our eyes and ears), the associated issue of celebrity privacy has not been put to rest. Niki Chow‘s unfortunate connection with the case due to past rumors with Chen has prompted TVB to distribute a new communications manual to each of its contracted artists. This thin yet helpful book explains the applications of the doublespeak language in distorting the truth when facing reporters and the general public. Let us read through some of the pages, shall we?

Handling the Faithful Hounds
As much as you may want to spray each and every reporter on the planet with a non-EPA approved pesticide, resist the urge to do so. A more effective method to terminate these pesky followers is to overwhelm them with an enormous amount of information; throw in as many unfamiliar and technical terms/phrases that you know. What you say does not need to make any sense, nor should it. Remember: gobbledygook is your most reliable tool to escape tight situations in this competitive industry, and may you gobble it well.

To get you started, here is an example of what to say when asked about your performance in a series:

I think my performance in terms of the off-screen memorization of lines and in terms of the on-screen acting performance was operated under my accepted limit, and I have been fairly error-free in keeping with that. Thus, I will tell you that my overall performance has not immensely accelerated to a desired magnitude. On the other hand, the performance should be categorized more as a function of my past experience in the training academy as opposed to it improving as a function of the non-spatial continuum.

When further questions are asked, simply remember these steps: lather, rinse, and repeat. Lather, rinse, and repeat. That is right, no common sense needed here.

Suspicions
Undoubtedly, the love life of an artist is the favorite topic of any proper reporters; they attempt to pry the truth out of tight-sealed lips with the display of pretentious smiles and playful teasing. Running and hiding do not help in avoiding this kind of questioning. As an alternative, show your “cooperation” by giving a meticulously calculated answer using inflated language:

I was erroneously identified inside ______________’s apartment during the time frame in question. The level of the hydrocarbon mixture in the storage tank of my horizontal transportation unit had depleted. I could not find any automotive internists in the vicinity of the scene. Naturally, I relocated to ______________’s place to ask for assistance.

Luckily, the relationships of the following artists are of no interest to reporters:
Tavia Yeung
Bobby Auyeung
Steven Ma
Frankie Lam
Selena Li
Raymond Cho
Sammul Chan (not under TVB management, but is a well-known example)

That is all.

The End of the Road
When all else fails in your attempts to manipulate, confuse, and mislead the audience, prayer is not your answer. Two choices are available: shed blame on your manager/agent or transfer responsibility to your superiors (TVB executives) who will deal with the matter later. We strongly advise you to try the first strategy, but if you choose to risk termination of your contract by applying the latter method, then regurgitate the following paragraph:

I did not lie. I merely withheld information. When I previously stated that I _____________________, I was trying to be evasive. I was authorized to say everything that I said by my superiors – yes, the same people who signed my contract. However, I now realize that I was naive and foolish.

Of course, whether or not this short speech will actually save your career is unknown. In the unfortunate event that it does not, we then give you permission to pray – with this book. (A small packet of delicate tissue is attached to the back flap. )

Lastly, remember to keep safe this communications manual as it holds vital information for mastering the various forms of doublespeak. Never lend it to non-contracted TVB artists or those not part of the entertainment industry. Tuck it under your pillow or lock it up in a vault if you must.

Deception, concealment, and calculation: learn to play the game properly.

2007 has been quite a successful year for TVB. Along with the releases of phenomenal hits Heart of Greed and Steps, we also celebrated our 40th anniversary. As a gift to our faithful viewers, TVB is releasing commemorative buttons of your favorite stars! Each button is available during a limited period of time and only 5,000 units are produced. These are sure to be collector’s items.

Why get a button? Here are 3 reasons:

1. You can immediately identify your allies and enemies on the streets. Remember, actors/actresses are in direct competition with one another. They have no “friends” in the entertainment business – it’s all an act. Follow accordingly.

2. Display your affection. Flaunt the button like you would a pink mohawk or diamond ring.

3. It deserves to be in your collection along with autographed photos purchased off eBay, posters, CDs, DVDs, and other memorabilia.

Below are some of the current buttons available for purchase. Others will be out soon. Quick, buy these now before we stop promoting these people!

KEVIN CHENG & NIKI CHOW

Kevin and Niki are one of TVB’s most favorite couples. Their on-screen chemistry seems to transfer off-screen as well. Are they a real couple or not? Who knows. What’s important is collecting their button before The Seventh Day airs!

Buy yours here! Available until everyone finally realizes we’re never going to release Seventh.

MOSES CHAN

Celebrate Moses’ 2007 Best Actor and Most Favorite Male Character awards by sporting his button! Due to the smashing success of Heart of Greed, we’ll even throw in a free Linda Chung button for Moda fans! If you’re a Bermo fan, we’ll throw in the Bernice Liu button (shown below).

Buy yours here! Available while supplies last. Bermo fans are ineligible to receive the free Linda Chung button. Decide where your loyalties lie.

BERNICE LIU
With a tailor-made role in this year’s dancing series Steps, Bernice’s popularity has risen to a new level! Support this sexy, charismatic, and talented actress by proudly displaying her button!

Buy yours here! Available until she’s nominated for Best Supporting Actress.

LEILA TONG

Leila is an adorable, down-to-earth, and experienced actress who has been working for TVB since 1992. We cherish her dearly. Show your support for this former child actress by purchasing her button!

Buy yours here! Supplies are plentiful. Too plentiful.

TAVIA YEUNG
This beautiful and versatile actress has recently received high acclaim for her excellent portrayal as Jackie in Heart of Greed. TVB always rewards its most hard-working and talented artists.

Buy yours here! Available until she’s reverted back to 4th or 5th female lead.